Q & A - preparing for a VBAC

Last week in my pre-natal classes I discussed two words - determination and doubt. And I posed the question: "do you doubt that you can birth your baby naturally?"

The three students who admitted out loud, without any hesitation, that they were doubtful, are all preparing for a Vaginal Birth After Caesarean (VBAC).

Please note than I always use the term 'caesarean birth' instead of 'caesarean section' or 'c-section'. I think it's really important to acknowledge that it is a birth and not just a medical procedure.

There are two types of women who actively prepare for a VBAC.

1. A woman who had a scheduled caesarean birth and never experienced labour. This may be due to, for example, a breech baby, pre-eclampsia, high-blood pressure, placenta previa or the health of the baby etc
2. A woman who laboured, possibly as far as full dilation, but for a range of possible reasons ( foetal distress, failure to progress, de-flexed head etc) couldn't birth her baby vaginally.

Wrapped up in the doubt of those that had a scheduled caesarean birth is a fear of labour...fear of the unknown, something so common to first-time mums. For those who have laboured and are attempting a VBAC there's a looming hurdle awaiting them. For most women in this situation, that hurdle is daunting. They know, deep within, that in order to achieve a VBAC they need to move past that moment in their first labour where, for one reason or another, it was decided that a caesarean birth was necessary. 

And so, like I say to my students each and every week, it is the mental preparation that is essential. Because the mental challenge of labour is often far greater than the physical challenge.

Here is my advice, in simple dot form:

• remind yourself that this is a new baby and a new birth experience. 
• if you are feeling angry, disappointed or traumatised about your first birth experience you may want to consider seeking help from an ante-natal counsellor. Your GP or midwife will be able to refer you. Ultimately, you can only prepare for a second birth once you have made peace with the first.
• if you feel guilty, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself.
• think about who you want at your birth. Choose people who you wholeheartedly trust. Remember, you will be at your most vulnerable and transparent, you want support from those who have the utmost faith in you and your ability to birth
• talk to your support people about your fears. Talk to them about your determination to have a VBAC. Tell them what words you want to hear in labour. (If you are a support person and you notice that doubt is creeping in, quietly tell the labouring woman: "you CAN and you ARE doing it)
• do your research. Find a midwife or obstetrician who wholly supports your journey towards a VBAC. 
• create a sankalpa (positive affirmation). Yogis believe that a sankalpa that is repeated daily and never shared will always be realised. Use simple language and repeat it to yourself in moments of fear or doubt, or when you are feeling most connected with your baby. An example of a sankalpa could be: "I will carry my baby to full term and birth calmly and confidently."
• acknowledge your fears and doubts
• commence a regular yoga practice. The best preparation you can do is regular preparation. I find for those who already have children it's really important to go to a yoga studio for that space - where you can connect and be with your unborn baby without the need to look after your other child(ren). Recognise that it's your time
• why is prenatal yoga so powerful? Well, within weeks of starting a practice you will notice that you understand your body a bit more. When you become more aware of your body you have more faith in its ability to birth.
• remind yourself that your body, your breath and your baby are one. 
• your unborn baby is comforted by your heartbeat, vitalised by your breath
• as you breathe, mentally repeat 'let' as you inhale and 'go' as you exhale
• when you begin to doubt, remind yourself that you are determined
• when you become fearful, remind yourself that you have faith
• remember all those women that have birthed before you. So much wisdom.
• remember that you are nature - and nature never ever adheres to a clock
• labour cannot be controlled, only experienced. You cannot 'do' labour, you just have to 'be' in it
• don't write a birth plan - nothing in life ever goes according to plan. Instead, create a birth intention
• know that the very essence of birth is surrender - surrender to where your body and your baby takes you
• *next week I'll write about sound in birth. Sound, I believe, is the most powerful technique you can use in labour.

If I have learnt one thing after close to five years of teaching prenatal yoga it is this: you just never know where your birth journey will take you. And so, I say to each pregnant woman that crosses my path - surrender and accept. 

So what is it like to experience a VBAC? I'll let Sarah, one of my students, tell you....

Q: Why did you have a caesarean birth with your first child?
A: Finn was posterior facing (spine on spine) with a deflexed presentation (his head was tilted backwards instead of having his chin tucked in). My obstetrician suspected that he would be born via caesarean birth but I was insistent that I go into labour. I was induced (my membranes were ruptured at 41+3 weeks) and I laboured for nine hours with little or no progress. We agreed to go ahead with the caesarean birth.

Q: How did you feel about Finn's birth?
A: I was absolutely devastated. I had put such a lot of effort into preparing for the birth with a Calm Birth course and yoga classes, that when my experience differed so much from my carefully written birthing plan, I was at a complete loss. After the birth I was euphoric, of course. A son! My beautiful baby boy! But later, I found it too hard to even tell people that I hadn't managed the perfect, natural birth that I had wanted. It took me a long time to start appreciating my happy, healthy baby as the end result of my pregnancy, rather that what I saw as a 'failure' to do the one thing that we, as women, are designed to do. 

Q: Did you always want to attempt a VBAC with your second child?
A: Yes! My research started when Finn was only a few weeks old. I spent hours on the internet finding out if such a thing was possible. I had never heard the term VBAC before, but was soon quoting success stories and statistics to anyone who would listen.

Q: What did you do to prepare yourself for a VBAC?
A: My preparation was largely emotional rather than physical. I needed to accept that Finn's birth was just that, a birth, not a disaster. I spent my time thinking in a constructive way about every possible outcome, and decided to face each eventuality with acceptance. I learnt and practiced skills to help cope with the challenges of labour and delivery but I didn't plan. I wrote nothing down. I just decided to let it happen. I thought about what it would mean to me if I needed to have another caesarean birth - I was determined to be happy with my new baby, regardless of how she arrived.

Q: What were your fears and how did you overcome them?
A: My main fear was that my OB would insist I have a caesarean or claim that I wasn't a suitable candidate for VBAC. I spent hours leaning forwards (or on all fours) to avoid a posterior facing bubba! I prepared myself before each meeting with my OB so I could calmly decline his offer to schedule a date for my baby's birth. I booked a course of acupuncture to help labour begin spontaneously and I listen to my friends' VBAC success stories. I was happy for them and hopeful for myself.

Q: How were you feeling when you went into labour?
A: Amazed! I spent a couple of hours being not-quite-awake, then a little while wondering why I was awake, then I realised! Spontaneous labour! Success! Half the battle already won! I kept it to myself for a time, then woke up my husband and told him we were on our way. That was when the feeling of disbelief started.

Q: You had a really supportive midwife with you - how did you affect your experience?
A: My midwife was amazing. She was so calm and welcoming, and completely unconcerned by the fact that I was an "attempted VBAC" - as it said on my admission papers (very encouraging!). She asked us if we had a birthing plan and was beautifully accepting of our straight forward "No!". She was of the view that a woman's body knows how to deliver a baby, so was happy just to observe and support. She could tell I was ready to push before I could, and was happy to let me be without any interference. She didn't mind that I was on all fours on the floor and encouraged me to accept what felt right when it came time to delivering my daughter, even though I had chosen an 'unconventional' position. (My OB was most displeased when he arrived. But hey - he wasn't doing the hard yards!).

Q: How did it feel, to birth Meg in the way you had intended?
A: I was stunned when the moment came to deliver her. I had been expecting the orderly to arrive at any minute and wheel me off to theatre. I can clearly remember the midwife putting on her gown and gloves and my husband asking her what she was doing. "There's going to be a baby born in here in a minute, I'm just getting ready." We looked at each other in disbelief, it was such a surprise! The feeling, when my baby girl was passed to me, was out of this world! (...and hilarious - the cord wasn't long enough so I couldn't hang on to her and had to give her back to the midwife - all very slapstick!). I still couldn't believe what had happened and it felt so good when other midwives came in to congratulate me on a successful VBAC.

Q: What is your advice for women who are planning a VBAC?
A: Don't plan it. Prepare for the fact that it might happen, but prepare equally for the fact that it might not. But do try. Be strong when you are talking to your OB. Listen to advice but decide for yourself. And enjoy your new baby, regardless of how he/she is born. 

I would love for the comments section to become a bit of a discussion board. If you have any specific questions for me, I'm more than happy to answer them. If you have had a VBAC, or are hoping to experience one, I'd love to hear your story. I do ask, however, that all comments are respectful and, if possible, kind.

I have been asked if I'm going to write about preparing for a caesarean birth - yes, most definitely. 

Now is also a good time to remind you that I am not a midwife, medical practitioner or birth educator. I'm a yoga teacher, mother and journalist. My stories are informed by my own experience, research and the blessing that has been the meeting, teaching and learning from my pre-natal students. 

Q & A - Making Peace With Birth

Q & A

Last year when I discussed writing a series of posts on yoga for pregnancy and birth I had the very best of intentions. Clearly I was still in the new-muma stage, reality set in and my words never did come to fruition. 

But, if my inbox is any indication, it seems that quite a few of you are patiently waiting. Thanks for the nudge, because I'm now organised enough to share what I know about prenatal yoga and birth preparation.

In the next few days I'll be publishing a post on Preparing for a VBAC - Vaginal Birth After Caesarian. If you are one of the thousands of women considering this birth option I encourage you to research, prepare and surround yourself with encouraging and loving support. 

For those of you wanting to know more about conscious conception.....that's next on the list. 

Please remember that I am not a midwife, medical practitioner or birth educator. I'm a yoga teacher, mother and journalist. My stories are informed by my own experience, research and the blessing that has been the meeting, teaching and learning from my pre-natal students. 

Q & A - Making Peace With Birth

"pure utter joy"

"Only a mother can understand the joy of locking eyes with her newborn babe the moment they take their first breath.

After the powerful journey of labour, Natalia embraces her babe for the very first time. Sheer exhilaration, joy and love describes the moment of bringing forth her child. The gentle hand of her midwife, trusting in the innate wisdom of birth." - Photographer Jane McCrae

Natalia was one of my yoga students...it was a blessing to teach her and compare belly notes as we grew our baby girls at the same time. Her midwife, Lisa from Bella Birthing, is a new independent midwife on the Central Coast and has supported two of my students in their pregnancy and birthing journeys (I hear she is absolutely wonderful).

I know exactly what Natalia was feeling at this moment, when she held little Estelle for the first time. If you're a Muma, you know what this feels like. Which is why you should head over here and vote 10/10 for this photo in the 2011 National Geographic Photo Contest.

Natalia was supported by Lisa in the comfort of her own home and birthed her baby girl in the water. This photo is proof that homebirth is a safe and joyous option for those who choose it. Proof that homebirth is good and normal and natural. For more homebirth inspiration, look here.

Q & A

A few weeks ago I wondered if you had any questions for me about yoga for pregnancy, birth and beyond. It turns out that you do. I have decided to write a series of posts to 'answer' you and some will be accompanied by interviews with a few of my past students. Topics will include:

• "Conscious Conception"
• "Preparing for a VBAC"
• "Letting go of Fear"
• "Preparing for a Homebirth"
• "Surrender"
• "Making Space and Being Calm"
• "Preparing for a Caesarian Birth"

Tomorrow I'll be posting about a topic that, it seems, will resonate with many of you. "Making Peace with Birth" will include a little discussion from me accompanied by the courageous and gracious story of one of my beautiful students, Bee. Her story is an unforgettable one.

If you are reading this and would like to ask me a question, please go ahead. I'll add it to the list!

Now is a good time to mention that I am not a midwife, a medical practitioner or a birth educator. I'm a yoga teacher, mother and journalist. These stories are informed by my own experiences, research and the blessing that has been the meeting, teaching and learning from my pre-natal students.

Till tomorrow...

Photo by Daniel Grey

the yoga of birth + giveaway

Yoga is so much more than an asana (posture) practice. I learned this in its fullness when I was a new Muma. My yoga was the way I went about my day with my baby. It wasn't stretching into downward dog or attending a class every week. My sadhana (spiritual practice) occurred every day - in my home. Perhaps it was the way I cooked the evening meal, or the thoughts I had when I walked with Che. Perhaps it was the (((((oms))))) I chanted when he was unsettled or the mental relaxation I practiced while he fed. My yoga, right now, is my mothering and it is this very concept that Katie Manitsas addresses in her new book The Yoga Of Birth.

Katie is the only advanced certified Jivamukti yoga teacher in Australia and is the founder of Jivamukti Sydney (formerly Samadhi). She is an inspiring creative, a mother of two young boys - Christos and Ziggy, a doula and is currently studying the Montessori method for preschoolers.

The Yoga of Birth is the first book of its kind. It addresses the importance of a conscious conception (something I experienced with Poet and indeed I vouch for it!), yoga to support and nurture your self during pregnancy, yoga for a natural birth, the first forty days (aka babymoon), baby massage, starting solids and wholesome food for toddlers. Katie's voice, her wisdom and nurturing self are vivid throughout each chapter as she gently discusses the beauty of a woman's body and the wonder that is conception, pregnancy and birth.

I read each page while Poet slept beside me in those first few weeks of her life. I found myself nodding to so much of what Katie was saying and absolutely loving the fact that, above anything else, she encourages pregnant women and mothers to slow down, take care and just be. Wise, wise words.

The official launch of The Yoga of Birth will take place at Jivamukti Yoga Studio in Newtown on Saturday 24th September at 10am. There will be kids face painting, healthy snacks, a family friendly vibe, free pregnancy goody bags and a short introduction to the book from Katie as well as a book signing.

Katie has kindly signed a copy of The Yoga of Birth and would like one of you to take it home, read it and learn from it. If you like, leave a comment below (feel free to ask me a question about yoga for pregnancy, birth and beyond and I will answer in a post next week) and you will go in the draw. Entries close Thursday 29th September. Gaby is also hosting the same giveaway tomorrow.

I had the pleasure of interviewing Katie...read on and enjoy!


UPDATE: The winner, using the Random Number Generator is Bridget. However, I feel like my copy needs to be passed on to someone that needs to read its wisdom, someone that needs to be comforted by its message. And so I hope that Yasmin will receive it with gratitude and be inspired x

Jodi: Katie, you found yoga at a young age. How did your practice evolve when you discovered you were pregnant?

Katie: Well, I have two children and the changes were different for each pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant with my first child it was unexpected and at the time I have a very strong, physically dynamic yoga practice. It changed very radically because I was very nauseous and the practice made the sickness worse. It was really difficult for me to let go of the attachment to the dynamic practice. With my second pregnancy I was already a mother and to a certain extent had made that transition already.

Jodi: How did yoga support your pregnancy journey?

Katie: Yoga is a practice of transformation and supports us as we go through tumultuous times and times of great change. Pregnancy in many ways is a roller-coaster ride. A spiritual practice can provide a safe and steady space within those ups and downs.

Jodi: So many things change when you become a Muma...did your understanding of yoga change?

Katie: Of course! Motherhood takes you out of the centre of the circle. Suddenly another being, your holy baby, becomes the centre of your world. It’s the ultimate Karma Yoga or yoga of service. Nothing can prepare you for this! It’s a wonderful blessing and a huge challenge at the same time. It took me time to adapt. Usually I am a person who processes things (emotionally) quite quickly. But becoming a mother took me some time. At first I wanted nothing in my life to change, I’d say stuff like ‘I’m just going to do everything I used to do and I’ll take the baby / child with me’. Yeah, right. That never happened. Life changes when you have children. I learned to surrender. To spend less time working on my handstand or splits practice and more time changing nappies and going to playgroup. And through that process my understanding of yoga was nourished and deepened enormously.

Jodi: How did you incorporate yoga into your life as a new muma?

Katie: I meditate more than I did because sometimes I am sleep deprived and just not up to dynamic asana. I chant mantra everyday. I chant my children to sleep every night so that if I haven’t done any other practice that day at least I got to practice japa (mantra recitation). My four year old knows lots of beautiful Sanskrit mantras because of this routine! When I make a family meal for us all in the evenings (which happens on most nights of the week) I try to do this with an attitude of Sadhana (conscious spiritual practice). I’m fortunate because during the time I am cooking there is usually someone else at home to help look after the children and I can just focus on making a beautiful meal for us all to share as a family together. This is an important part of the day for me and I see it as a kind of practice. I’m not breastfeeding any more but when I was that was always a great time for mantra and meditation too. Sometimes we all do yoga together as a family. I usually ‘teach’ everyone and we each have a mat and join in. It’s mayhem!

Jodi: You were obviously inspired by your first birth experience because you became a doula soon after. What is it like to support a woman in the transition of birth?

Katie: There are not words to describe the feeling of watching a new being enter the world. It’s so close to the feeling of watching a person leave the body (in death). A magical, mysterious, otherworldly experience. Precious beyond words. Sacred.

Jodi: How do you believe yoga can support a woman during pregnancy, birth and beyond?

Katie: Yoga teaches us to be present and available for the reality of what is really happening in a given moment. Not to run from the truth or pretend a situation is other than it is. So yoga can help you say ‘yes I have morning sickness and I feel terrible and I’m not coping’ but it also helps us remember ‘I know this will shift and change soon enough’. On a physical level yoga as a great deal to offer in terms of techniques for helping a woman to have a healthy, natural birthing experience. There is lots more info. about that in the book.

Jodi: How can a woman best prepare for a natural birth experience - a birth she doesn't want to forget?

Katie: By slowing down. Resting. Connecting to her instincts. And by gathering like-minded, strong spirited support people around her to encourage and nurture her intention.

Jodi: Lastly, home birth in Australia is being threatened...what can we do to ensure we always have choice as to where we birth our babies?

Katie: Gosh this is such a huge topic and it’s controversial. I’m so saddened that home birth has become so difficult here. In many parts of Europe (including the UK where I am from originally) it’s a normal and health option. Here is Australia it is seen as ‘alternative’ and is becoming next to impossible. I’m not sure there is much we can do except to be a voice for our beliefs and speak out for women’s choices. Also I would say this, ‘where there is a will, there is a way’. That’s usually true even if there are many obstacles.

the growing and birthing of Poet Winter

It rained in October 2010. On and off the clouds grew heavy and eventually they let go. In October 2010 my parsley and mint were thriving in their terracotta pots.

She was conceived in the spring time while the rain drops fell.

Daniel wasn't convinced until I placed three pregnancy tests in front him. Two blue lines on each. I was quite certain of my dates and so I wrote, in white chalk, on our kitchen wall: 18th of July 2011. I'm the biggest sceptic of 'estimated due dates'. I don't really believe in them. But she proved me wrong. On the 18th of July 2011, just after lunch, she began her journey.

She grew within me for exactly 40 weeks. But I had dreamed of a little dark haired girl long before she was conceived. And I felt like I was preparing for her birth for many years before she entered my mind.

In my first labour, with her big brother, Che, I was shocked by the intensity and unprepared for the pain. I laboured for a good 31 hours, resisting each contraction, fighting every wave. Subsequently it hurt and although labour was strong, I stayed at 3cm for hours and hours and hours. It wasn't until I lay on the bed, curled up in the foetal position, waiting for an epidural, that I fully dilated within 40 minutes and held my first born shortly after.

It was a positive experience but not an enjoyable one.

I had prepared many women for their own birth journeys in my pre-natal classes. Week in, week out, I encouraged them to open their mouths, breathe deep, fall into the contraction and surrender to the journey. Teaching while pregnant was new to me. I had to remind myself to listen to my self, listen to those words. I was preparing too, getting closer to the transition of birth.

In the last few weeks of pregnancy I wondered whether I had prepared enough. Daniel and I spoke one night about surrender. "Just let your body do it, because it's going to do it anyway."

From the day I discovered I was growing her, I created my sankalpa. Yogis believe that a sankalpa (a positive affirmation) that is repeated daily and never shared, will always be realised. And so, every day, I said to myself, three times with meaning and emphasis: "I will carry my baby to full term and birth calmly and confidently, a healthy baby."

I always encouraged my students to do the same. And yet I knew, from all those birth stories that had been shared with me, that none of us can control our birth experience. Yes we can prepare and we can desire but ultimately we just need to surrender to where our birth journey takes us.

At about 35 weeks pregnant I decided to journey towards birth with acceptance. I surrendered the need to control. When blood tests showed significantly low iron levels my midwife informed me that I might not be able to birth at the low risk birth centre I had booked in to. I accepted the news calmly, promised I would do everything I could to increase my iron levels but, at the end of the day, I had to accept that all would be well. My baby was going to be born regardless of where I was.

Teaching pregnant women is a humbling experience. I have heard stories of troubled conception, miscarriage, pregnancy complications, pregnancy loss, ecstatic birth, traumatic birth. There were some stories that inspired and comforted me on my pregnancy journey and some stories that I consciously needed to let go of.

Some days I had unending faith in my body and its ability to birth my baby. At other times that faith wavered, particularly in the last week of pregnancy when I became bedridden with a heavy cold. On the Sunday before she arrived I cried big tears, the kind that leave red eyes and a headache in their wake. She was getting closer, I could tell, and yet I and no idea how I was going to labour while I felt so sick.

The next morning I woke to sunshine. And I felt good, really good. The best I'd felt in over a week. I was rested and happy. And I was oh so grateful for it. That morning I decided to practice gratitude in each and every contraction - gratitude for my body, my health and the opportunity to experience labour and natural birth.

I wrote a post that morning and I typed the words: " I think I've been holding on to baby a bit, because of my cold, but now I'm ready to let go and labour. "

She obviously heard me because soon after my Braxton Hicks became noticeably stronger. The sun streamed through the windows and I pottered about. I washed the bed linen in gentle eucalyptus detergent, I tended to the herbs on the balcony and I washed the dishes. I checked, once again, that my bag was ready. Che came home from Montessori and the 3 of us ate a late lunch. We were content and calm and happy and I was breathing wonderfully deep through each BH. Still, I was certain that labour was days away.

In the early evening I made dinner and listened, once again, to Che as he told me how much he loved me. He had said it so many times that afternoon, he'd been extra cuddly, never far from my sight. Perhaps then I knew that things were happening. Because in his own way he was preparing, readying himself, for the biggest change in his life so far.

I tucked him into bed extra tight that night, kissed him some more and picked up the books that were scattered on the floor.

And when he was settled and soundly asleep the Braxton Hicks became mild contractions.

Daniel and I started to get excited but I kept reminding him that it could be days away. I honestly didn't think she was so close.

We watched some TV and went to bed. At this stage the contractions were about seven minutes apart, lasting for about 40 seconds. At 10pm we messaged Daniel's Mum (Ommi) to say that I was in early labour and asked her to keep her phone on.

Daniel fell asleep and I dozed in and out of slumber, waking with the waves. I breathed deep and by 11pm I was moaning. It felt good to make noise. I was on my knees on the bed, resting on my forearms, rotating my hips and keeping my mouth open and soft. In between contractions I fell into the pillows, mentally travelling around my body to ensure I wasn't holding any tension. I felt good. I was confident.

At midnight I asked Daniel to phone his Mum. I still wasn't sure if this was the real thing but I knew I'd feel better if she was here, to be with Che. In the fifteen minutes it took for her to get to us I didn't have any contractions and yet when she looked into the bedroom and said "hello" I experienced the strongest contraction yet. Time went by, Daniel lay beside me as I contracted and I reminded myself to let go, to be, to just go with the flow. I started wondering whether I should call my midwife. It was late, I didn't want to wake her unnecessarily, I still wasn't sure whether I was in labour. Sure the waves were getting closer and stronger but I wasn't feeling a great sense of urgency to get to the birth centre.

I suddenly felt the urge to go to the toilet, a pressing down into my bottom. My body was clearing out and then the contractions became stronger once again. Ommi suggested I call the midwives - apparently the noises I was making had got deeper and longer in the time that she'd been with us.

I phoned Marianne, the midwife on call. My midwife, Val, had promised that she would be with me at my birth even if it was her rostered day off. I had two contractions while chatting with Marianne and she encouraged us to come in. She promised that she would call Val. At 2am I kissed Che goodbye, message my parents to tell them baby was on its way, and Daniel and I drove off into the night.

Ommi lay on a mattress beside Che's bed all night. She later told me that he moaned through his sleep, making the same noises I was during each contraction.

We passed four cars on the way to the birth centre. What was usually a 45 minute drive only took us 20 minutes. When we pulled into the car park there were three rabbits on the grass, illuminated by our headlights. The little suit I had packed to dress baby in had three embroidered rabbits on the front. I smiled at the coincidence.

We went into the Emergency Department and waited for our midwife. I was swaying and moaning through eah contraction, physically and mentally falling into each one. I was smiling, Daniel told me, and all the on-lookers smiled with me.

The nurses in ED laughed while they warned me that they weren't trained to deliver babies. And I, being the passionate natural birth advocate that I am, informed them that I was the only one that could deliver my baby. In labour and still willing to voice my opinion.

The nurse walked us through the corridors to the Birth Centre. The lights were dim. I stopped once to squat and sway and looked up to see a painting of butterflies, similar to a painting I contracted in front of when I was in labour with Che. When Marianne welcomed us into the Birth Centre I noticed the butterflies on her shirt. We were the only ones there and when I walked into the Birthing Suite I cried. The room was calm, the lights dim and there was a photo on the wall of a little boy hugging his Muma's pregnant belly. He looked just like Che.

The downward pressure in each contraction was incredibly strong. It literally pulled me towards the earth. As I felt the next contraction arrive I reminded myself how lucky I was, to be so in my body, so full of faith, working together with my baby. Marianne checked my blood pressure and the baby's heartbeat. All was well, as I knew.

Not once did I feel fear.

Daniel set up the cameras, I sipped water, Marianne quietly busied herself.

I was leaning against the bath, facing away from the door when I started crying again. I turned around and Val was there. I began to realise what an intuitive experience it was. My senses were heightened yet my awareness was steadily moving inward, downward.

At this stage all the pressure was in the front of my pelvis. I was squatting and swaying and it felt really good to rub my belly in a downward motion, encouraging her to move earth-side. An internal confirmed that I was 5cm dilated. It was 3am.

I journeyed from standing to sitting on the ball, leaning over the bed. Val knew when to rub my back and when to stop. I felt blessed to be with midwives who had the utmost faith and trust in me and my body. Val was in tune with my needs; she was calm, grounded and supportive. She spoke when she knew I wanted to listen, was quiet when I needed space. Most of the time she observed. After one particularly strong contraction she rubbed my lower back and asked me if the pressure was there now. And it was, it has shifted. She knew from simply listening to me. I didn't need to question whether I was progressing because I could feel it. The pressure was steadily moving deeper into my bottom. I stripped off my shirt and put my hair up in a bun.

"She means business now," said Val. Humour; an essential part of an enjoyable labour.

I hung off Daniel's neck, my squats getting even deeper, I moaned deep and long to ensure I was letting go with each outward breath, the vibration in my body was powerful from those noises, and they were sending her down. I kept my mouth soft and open, my eyes closed in each contraction so I could internalise and focus on my breath. Daniel was so proud of me, I could see it in his face. He just kept smiling at me, rubbing my back, getting me what I needed. So much love.

Just before I got in the bath I remembered the faces of past students and their inspiring stories. Natasha, Belinda, Mel, Sara, Ashley, Sarah, Jacinta, Meagan, Antonia, Amanda. They were all there in the forefront of my mind, encouraging me. The wisdom of the women who had birthed before me. I was still smiling, still enjoying it, happy to be in it. So very grateful for the opportunity to be birthing my baby and to be supported by such wise, loving midwives.

I instinctively knew it was time to sink into the warm water (buoyancy!) and when Val asked me if I'd like Daniel to get in too, I declined. "It's so nice to stretch out," I said. I wasn't willing to share the spacious bath with anyone. It was 4.15am.

I lay on my side, desperately needing strong, long back rubs during contractions and completely softening in the resting space between. She was oh so close, the pressure in my bottom was powerful, I could feel her head pressing down, and hard. I moved onto my knees and leant my torso against the edge of the bath.

Although each contraction was long, deep and almighty, the space between was lovely. I only had a few contractions in the bath before I felt her descend. I was still falling down into the contraction and now, so was she - it was 4.40am. I asked for a cold face-washer and I crunched ice between waves - the cool sensation was welcoming. I didn't have to push; the noises and their subsequent vibrations moved her down. She was almost here. As she was crowning I noticed the silence and asked for music to play.

She was born to Sacred Earth's "Ancient Mother" and the words: "Ancient mother I hear you calling me, ancient mother I hear your song, ancient mother I hear your laughter, ancient mother I taste your tears."

At 4.47am she swam into Daniel's arms. "It's a girl," he said, his face was beaming pure joy. And then he passed her to me. She was here and she was beautiful. "A girl! It's a girl. My baby girl!" She was chirping little noises, she was pink, covered in vernix. She was wide-eyed and alert, lifting her head off my chest to see me. I kissed her, held her, couldn't quite believe she was here.

Poet.

Daniel took photos and I was deep in the just--birthed-my-baby haze, those hormones lifting me high. I understood what joyous birth felt like. Yes some of the contractions were painful but I wouldn't describe it as a painful experience. It was an honour and a privilege, to be so in my body, with so much faith, working with my baby as we travelled through the transition of birth.

I hardly bled, my body protecting itself because of my low iron levels. I stepped from the bath, my baby girl and I swathed in warm towels. "I feel like a princess," I said to the midwives. "You are," they replied. They helped me onto the bed where I lay for the next few hours. I delivered the placenta twenty minutes later.

Poet was calm and alert and attached easily. She fed for two hours, her eyes open the entire time. We bonded, chatted and fell in love. And then we went home to a warm house where Che cuddled up to her and said: "You're home now baby."


She was home. And we were four.

portrait: in the beautiful days before birth

Early this morning the lovely and very talented Tim Coulson came to visit us in our home. He contacted me a few weeks ago and asked if I'd be interested in having the birth photographed. While I love the idea, the reality is a little different. And so I asked him if, in the beautiful days before birth, as we nest, prepare and await, he would like to capture us going about our day-to-day rituals - in our home and in the garden - the 3.5 almost 4 of us.

The haze of early morning sunlight is representative of my mind and these images perfectly capture our life right now; full of expectations and love. And a late-pregnancy chubby face.

Tim, thanks so much x

let's go fly a kite

Tonight I have a sense of freedom that I didn't have this morning.

Yesterday I taught my last pre-natal class. And while I'm usually the one hugging my students, sending them on their way with blessings for a safe and joyous journey, yesterday I was the one to receive those sweet words of guidance. At the end of class I got a bit emotional, reflecting on the three-and-a-half years of teaching close to 300 pregnant women, the lessons I've learned, the stories I've been honoured to hear. I was the most pregnant woman in the room and I shared with them my thanks...because each and every one of them have taught me something I didn't know when I was pregnant with Che. With my new-found knowledge and awareness I will travel into this birthing experience with acceptance rather than grand expectations...because ultimately, our birth experiences cannot be planned or controlled. We just need to surrender to the journey, wherever it may take us.

Today I taught my last birth workshop. Once again, I was the most pregnant in the room, sharing my knowledge and skills with seven expectant couples. It was a long day. A tiring one. And when I stepped out of the yoga studio and on to the street I looked up into the dark, clear winter sky to see a fine and delicate new moon. In that moment I wondered where, in this moon cycle, my baby will come. And whether I will watch, every night for the next few weeks, the moon blossom to fullness, much like my belly. The moon and I may be full together, ready to burst, in mid-winter.

At 38weeks my belly is bountiful but I feel incredibly light. For the next few weeks I don't need to be anywhere but in the here and the now. Spending time close to home, with my boys. Perhaps we'll venture out under the vivid blue sky that has been spoiling us lately, and maybe, just maybe, we'll go fly kites.

Photos and film captured at 5Lands

pearl

Yesterday we packed up the car and drove for a while before settling into the sand for the day. With our fringed umbrella and UV tent, cool bag full of snacks and lots of sunscreen we were happily set for a day by the sea. Pearl Beach is an incredibly beautiful place overlooking islands and mountains covered in gum trees. It's managed to maintain an air of innocence about it. They call it Pearl Beach because apparently when the waves break on the shore they look like a row of pearls.

The heat today has hit me a little too hard and I'm so very thankful that I'm not heavily pregnant. Apart from a few errands and a yoga class this morning I've been aiming to lie still and breathe deep. Apart from the general 'to-do' things around the home and in my life I've been taking it incredibly easy. Daniel gifted me a new camera for Christmas - a Panasonic GF1, a sweet little thing that takes the most beautiful images. But my motivation to pick it up just hasn't arrived. I'm waiting, patiently waiting and hopefully I'll be inspired soon.

This pregnancy is oh so different from my first. And so it should be. I'm constantly reminding myself that I'm growing a different baby, that it will be a unique journey and ultimately, a unique birth experience. But I also know so much more now than I did with Che. Perhaps I was blissfully ignorant the first time round. Where as now I have gained the knowledge and understanding of pregnancy and birth that accumulates with years worth of teaching and reading. Listening too - to women's experiences. I'll openly admit that I am more fearful this time around. There is more to let go of, more affirmations to repeat in moments of doubt. But I'm getting there. I'm resorting to what I always turn to - my supportive and encouraging partner, my understanding of yoga and its ability to comfort and guide and, most importantly, the faith that I know is within me.

Baby gave me a nice big kick the other day. Hello Baby, nice to know you're strong.

on teaching pregnant women

Today on Marvelous Kiddo you can read my very honest account of how I came to be a yoga teacher and my experience teaching over 300 pregnant women in the past three years. There's also a prenatal yoga nidra (guided relaxation) CD as a giveaway.

In other news, congratulations to Lexi who won the Ruby Who? giveaway.

Totally unrelated photo of our regular beach visits and a cute bum. I suppose this is the end result of prenatal yoga so it kinda relates. Hehe!

our winter baby

Thanks so much for all your lovely comments about the bump. I'm loving this belly of mine and since reaching the second trimester my energy has come bounding back with a sweet vengeance. The first few weeks when this baby was really forming were challenging. So many mothers say the pain of birth is a blur only days after and I would say the same for the first trimester. I forgot how debilitating the tiredness is and this time, how extreme the nausea can get. In saying that I had days of reprieve between the days of lying in bed and my boys were patient and nurturing with me. I said in one of my very few posts back in December that I just had to do what was most important, not what was most urgent. It was rather serendipitous considering I was feeling worst in the weeks and days leading up to Christmas. But my strategy worked and I'm going to take it with me through this pregnancy. Doing what's most important for me, this baby and my family. Not what's most urgent.

Days after I found out I was carrying this little one inside me I made a phone call to request my midwife of choice. And thank goodness I got her. I'll be birthing at a low-risk birthing centre not far from home and I'll be tucked up in bed hours after meeting this babe. And then I plan to stay home for a few weeks, curled up in the warmth because we will be meeting this baby in the wintertime.

Today Daniel and I watched out little one kicking away inside my belly. He or she looks so much like Che, has a strong heartbeat and an active little body.

I am in awe of this journey, one that Daniel and I will document and cherish. Because we know all to well that it goes by so fast and before long there will be four in the bed. And the little one said...

the bump

...is coming along nicely.