the school series : the younger sibling

Christmas stars found just outside the school art room

At drop-off and pick-up time, school playgrounds are full of younger siblings getting to know the swing of things.

When your first-born starts school the entire family starts school with them. Family life and the school routine merge and the pre-schoolers, toddlers and babies get carried along for the ride. Breakfast is often hurried, afternoon naps are interrupted and Peppa Pig is the replacement for mum's attention at homework time (a necessity and nothing to feel guilty about). 

For our family, the start of school has been one of the biggest changes we've experienced. It really rocked me for the first few months; in retrospect I was grieving the loss of spontaneous days and having difficulty accepting the reality of a strict routine. Not one to gracefully embrace change, I  was very reluctant to face the truth; school is now a significant part of our lives, for this year and (at least) the next twenty.

It was only yesterday, as Poet and I took Che to his classroom, that I thought about her experience this year. School life is such a novelty for her; it's exciting, loud and intriguing. She has adapted so well to routine - she's embraced the opportunity to sneak into the classroom (more times than I can count) and has enthusiastically participated in every activity that we've been invited to. She has her very own bank book for school banking day and she waits at the bottom of the stairs every afternoon to hug Che. 

For a while I felt sorry for her; having to make the journey to and from school twice a day. But that was all my stuff - it never bothered her in the slightest. Whilst I don't want to get carried away I know that when it's her time to start school, she will be ready. Oh so ready. 

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Come January I will be expanding on the school series; collating thoughts, advice and practical tips for those of you who are about to embark on the journey. If you have any questions I'm more than happy to answer them!

Tell me, do you have a child starting school next year? If so, how are you feeling? If you want a book to help ease the transition, I highly recommend "Starting School". 

the school series : the amateur school mum

beach visits on a whim - the beauty of school holidays

The first six months of school have been a little like the first six months of motherhood. I've been the amateur, tentatively walking a new path, questioning my ability and my decisions. Whilst my days are not dictated by the cries of a newborn they are most definitely controlled, to an extent, by the school bell.

Documenting my experience as a school mum seems relevant to this space and so it's with all honesty that I say it's been harder than I anticipated. This brand new phase of parenthood has been a little confronting and it's definitely taking me time to adjust. Che is thriving - I'm so grateful for his enthusiasm and happiness. But me? Well, generally I've found it all a bit overwhelming. 

When you become a school mum you automatically take on a whole new list of responsibilities - life gets significantly busier. We were a few weeks into the school year when I realised that this new level of busy was now my normal. It was then that I vowed to keep things simple; easy afternoons, no extra curricular activities, slow, spontaneous weekends. Even so, there's been a fair few weeks where I've wished for those pre-school days when we were a little freer.

When your first-born starts school you grieve the end of one journey as you attempt to embrace another. There's a period of transition that can be a little rocky; you step into a new role and place yet another hat on your head. It's only now, in retrospect, that I understand what the transition phase was all about. Amidst the strict routine of the school week I was establishing a rhythm so that I could, in my own way, feel grounded and settled in my new role. 

I spent most of 2012 wondering how Che was going to cope with the changes - not once did I think it would be me with the issues. Parenthood is so humbling.  

Read the whole story : the school series

the school series : painting a forest

School holidays - so much better than school.

There will probably be a stage in my near future where I regret such a statement but for now I'm quite happy to sing it from the rooftops. For the past few weeks we've relished in rhythm rather than routine, it's been a nice breather. Our days have been pretty spontaneous; slow mornings followed by beach visits, late lunches, and an afternoon movie or two. Che spent every second day playing with the kids next door; climbing trees, jumping on the trampoline, discovering an overgrown cubby down the back -  the essential ingredients for a good childhood, I believe. 

When he wasn't squealing from the garden or running through the trees, he was at the table requesting food or a paintbrush. We've been using picture books as inspiration for paintings (A Forest, in particular) and when paper gets boring we move onto the driveway, a box of chalk in hand. 

Tomorrow morning it's back to school; the uniform is ready, I am not.

Our favourite art supplies include the most luscious Lyra pencils, vivid chalk from chalk chook and the entire Micador range; especially their watercolours and green eARTh products. 

the school series : routine's rhythm

For the first time in a very long time we have a strict five-day-a-week routine and it's taking us a while to adjust. Slowly, slowly we're getting there.

Routine is not a word that I've used in my mothering experience. I never adhered to the belief that babies need a routine and so I never established one. Instead I found comfort in rhythm; I found it in my breath, my body and my days - a constant, ever flowing, ever changing rhythm.

But there is no denying that the school week is routine based. The time frame is strict and there is little leniency. But you know what, I actually like it, and I'm learning that however demanding school is, it does provide some beautiful lessons, mostly for me and my rhythm. 

                              I think as you move into a new stage of parenting it's only natural to reminisce on the previous years, to reflect on how they were navigated and explored. I distinctly remember reading The Rhythms of Parenting in the Sunday paper, tearing out the article and sticking it on the fridge. It stayed there for a good while, the white paper slowly yellowing, and I read it often. My favourite quote and the one I kept returning to was this:

"...by the time the child (and parents) emerge from the cocoon of infancy into toddlerhood and beyond, it is incredibly helpful to the parents, and soothing and stabilising for the child, to have predictable rhythms to most days' events." 

Indeed, children thrive on predictability, days that are guided by an eating, playing, exploring, sleeping rhythm. Since Che was two I have implemented a very simplistic rhythm which changed, of course, with the seasons, the arrival of Poet and my increasing work-load. Now as the school timetable influences my week I have introduced a few things to ensure a smoother, calmer mama rhythm (as opposed to shrieking and attempting to get everyone out the door by 8:35am)

• I set my alarm and get up early. I often struggle with this but once I'm up I'm so grateful for the still and the quiet - it's a beautiful way to begin. I usually start with a cup of tea and then I'll pack Che's lunch. Sometimes I write, sometimes I put washing on, sometimes I just sit.
• I set Che's uniform out the night before to ensure it's ready and clean (which has been handy considering 2 days out of 5 there isn't a clean uniform to be found, hence a late-night laundry session).
• I've officially declared Thursday night "pizza night" and I always put aside a few pieces for Che's lunch on Friday (not having to make a sandwich or a wrap come Friday is rather nice)
• I work between 9-3 and then do a few hours in the evening when the children have gone to bed. Having such a definite schedule has ensured I work quite efficiently, even when writer's block strikes.
• In the afternoons I'm noticing that we're establishing a new rhythm around Che - afternoon tea and a chat, homework and an early dinner. I've found that dinner by 5:30pm is the best for children; it calms the witching hour (to a degree).

Of course, sometimes none of the above happens and I fumble my way through, trying my hardest not to lose the plot. On those days I remind myself that there's always tomorrow.

As for homework....well, Daniel and Che work together on the balcony while I prepare dinner. I hear snippets of their discussions, always peppered with silly stories. And sometimes I come across the "extra" creations and smile big. Like this:

"I sat on my cat. My cat is flat. I am a flat cat. The cat sat on my head. The cat did a poo on my head so I washed my hair with shampoo. It didn't work. I still had poo on my head. The end."

...just today the lovely Meagan launched "Whole Family Rhythms" - a guide to creating seasonal, weekly and daily rhythms for your family. Pop over there for a little inspiration...

the school series : the first day

"Few sights are as touching or emotionally overwhelming as that of our child releasing our hand and walking off to the classroom on the first day of school. The pre-school years are over. Our responsibilities shift and we find ourselves beginners once more. Raising schoolchildren proves to be a radically different experience from tending our under fives. Amateurs once again, we face a new stage of motherhood each time one of our children starts school." 

- Sarah Napthali, Buddhism for Mothers of Schoolchildren.

And so on Monday morning I hugged him tight, told him I was proud and that I loved him so. He walked happily into his classroom; the beginning of a journey.

To be honest it was easier than I expected. I only cried a few tears and they were, most definitely, happy ones. Che? He was prepared, excited and full of wonderings, a beautiful place to be. He is in a small class of 16 students and his teacher is bright and bubbly and fun - the very best kind. 

Come Monday afternoon Che ran to Daniel and I and hugged us both. Before we could say a word he stood proud and said: "I loved it!"

But it's what he shared on the way home that will stay with me forever.

"Mum, the Year 1 girls are so beautiful and they do really beautiful craft projects. They walk beautifully too."

To all of you who left such heartfelt, reassuring and encouraging comments in the lead-up to school - thank you, they meant the world.

I'll return to this series in a few weeks time. Whilst I don't plan to share a lot about Che I will talk a little bit about my new role and how I'm navigating the 5-day-a-week routine (without much drama, I hope).

the school series : nesting

You know what has surprised me most about preparing Che for school? The nesting.

Much like I was during pregnancy, I am sorting and organising clothes, rearranging rooms, decluttering shelves and trying my very hardest to get to the bottom of the washing pile. I'm anticipating the adjustment period where free time is rare and, whilst my nights won't be sleepless, I know there will be a new kind of emotional exhaustion in our home. 

It's ironic, I know, because I'm not birthing a baby but sending my first-born off into the world. I suppose this proves one thing: the metaphorical cutting of the cord is just as powerful as the physical. 

the school series : the mamas talk.........

cherished moments with che, captured by tim 

This week is the last of the school holidays and come Monday I'll be a school mum. The transition has been on my mind for the past year but it was only yesterday, as I immersed myself in housework, that I realised......this is the beginning of a twenty year journey. And it's true; for the next two decades I will wash uniforms, pack lunches and demand a kiss and a cuddle before my children close the door behind them. 

Come 2014 I may be able to write a post about Kindergarten - how to prepare and what to expect. In five years time I'm sure I'll have enough inspiration and experience to compile a book. But for now I'm happy to bring you the stories of other mamas; those who have experienced the enormity of school life - the wonder, the routine and the exhaustion.

Ruth (aka Gourmet Girlfriend) is a mama to five boys and this year she'll have two in high-school,  two in primary and one in pre-school. When I asked her to share some advice she replied with a passionate email about slowing down, taking time and walking with your children.

"I call the first year of school 'the year of tears'. It's not uncommon to see regressions in behaviour as they learn to navigate the emotional and social roads of school. Be forgiving, they really are so very little!

Years ago, at a talk about raising boys, I listened to a man who truly believed in the importance of an ongoing conversation with your growing children. He said that maintaining an open and trusting conversation is the key to a healthy and enduring parent/child relationship. Most children, as they grow, will shy away from a face-to-face conversation and so he advised us to 'walk with our children'. It's about being side-by-side - equal. Whilst walking to and from school is a rarity my advice is to really make the time to walk with your children. The conversations and stories that naturally spill from your child are special and you will be able to listen, unhurried. I never ask questions that can be answered with 'yes' or 'no'. Some things I might ask:

• Tell me something that happened in the playground that was really great.
• Tell me something that was hard or upsetting about today.
• Did you do anything for the very first time today?
• What was your favourite thing about today?

One of the most treasured times of my day is when we all come together in the afternoon to talk, joke or to simply just sit. We set the table, enjoy a snack and a special drink and we make time to value each other, to value family. 

I hope my children will always come back to my table and share their lives with me, long after they have grown and left home."

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Last year Jay sent her first-born, Poe, off to school. She wholeheartedly believes in the importance of a gentle and quiet rhythm around school times.

"Five days in a row is a long time to be doing anything so to be navigating social situations, learning new and exciting things and paying attention to a teacher is positively exhausting. There really is so much going on at school and I found that Poe really craved (and loved!) the downtime of home. Having this space also gave him the freedom to discuss any issues he may have been having, often after 'acting out' first. 

After the first few weeks and perhaps even the first term it's not uncommon for your child to be grumpy and unreasonable. I found that Poe needed extra understanding, patience and nurturing from Scott and I. In retrospect it really is so amazing to see how your little one grows and develops throughout the year. It's just so beautiful and so much fun."

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Kate has three girls and this year her youngest, Pepper, starts school. The mere thought of Pepper in a blue checkered dress and black shoes is enough to have Kate short of breath and teary. Here's her sound advice:

1. New schoolies use the words 'everybody else' often. Everybody else has packets of chips and store-bought cookies in their lunchbox. Everybody else is allowed to wear their swimmers under their school clothes. Everybody else does ballet and has playdates after school. Everybody else.........

2. New schoolies will tell you stories that will make you so proud. They will grow up so much - academically, socially, physically -  between the time you drop them off and the time you pick them up.

3. New schoolies sometimes find their brand new world a bit difficult to interpret. I've always found it super helpful to volunteer in the classroom, to deliver extra bits of lunch at playtime and to go along to scheduled parent/teacher interviews.

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I'm so grateful for Nikki's advice. Instead of talking about the school child, she told me about what it's like for the school mum. She highly recommends reading Sarah Napthali's Buddhism for Mothers of School Children and counts it as an invaluable source for the first year. 

" I was unprepared for how overwhelmed I felt when finding my place with the other mums. I felt like I was back in high-school with the cool group, the arty group, the sporty group and so on. There I was, almost 40-years-old, and feeling like an awkward school girl! Halfway through the year I confessed to the other mums how I was feeling and it turns out I wasn't alone. And so, as I tell my children, the best way to make friends is to be one. At the end of the year I organised a morning tea to celebrate our first year, and it was wonderful.

Even though school life can easily become busy, it's more important than ever for mamas to maintain a practice for themselves - yoga, swimming, walking - something active to increase energy and create mental clarity. I also believe in pacing yourself, going slow. Don't feel pressured to say yes to every extra curricular activity and social event. Becoming part of a school community can lead to a busy life but it is possible to find balance and avoid total exhaustion for the whole family."

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Finally, I want to send you over to Rachael. She is an absolutely brilliant writer and her post "Fly, Little Chickie" is, in my opinion, one of her best. Take your tissues......

the school series:

- last day

- a new beginning

- counting down

- 5 ways to prepare your child

the school series : 5 ways to prepare your child

I've always followed my instinct when it comes to parenting; meandering through those baby and toddler years with a little apprehension and a whole lot of hope (and not many parenting books). But now, as I step into the role of "school mum" I'm hungry for advice and reassurance and I'll read anything that crosses my path.

Thankfully Justin Coulson (dad to five girls with a PhD in Family Psychology - and yes, he's Tim's brother) offered to share his knowledge with me. I told him that I want to be completely prepared. More specifically, I want to know how to prepare Che. Here's what he had to say:

1. Prep the Practical - In the weeks leading up to a school's commencement it's a great idea to get some routine arranged around mornings and how they should run. Help your child acclimatise to the appropriate wake-up time, let him know what he needs to wear and how he needs to dress and practice being all set to go on time. Do a full-on dress rehearsal one or two days prior to school including packing lunch and bags, putting on the uniform - the whole lot. It reduces anxiety and it assures that everything is purchased, prepped and in position for the first day.

2. Take a Tour - Hopefully by now most children will have had an opportunity to visit their new school. If you have missed out visit the school the week before term starts. It's likely that the teachers will be showing up and most would be glad to give you and your little one a tour. Familiarity with the school environment can make a big difference on day one.

3. Create Courage - As parents we can talk to our children about what courage is and give them role models to follow. We can teach the value of doing hard things and being persistent. And we can equip them with the courage to 'try on' new ideas, new challenges and new circumstances.

4. Develop Discernment - Ok, I know that's a big word - probably one that your child has never heard before. But the capacity to discern what is good and makes us feel 'right' from what is less good, and makes us feel 'bad' or 'icky' is essential. Let's face it though, school is a place where a range of experiences will occur, some of which will be less positive than others. To some extend discernment comes from experience. But not entirely. With your guidance, preparation, and ongoing communication your children can will learn what to take in from their school environment and what to leave out. 

5. Maintain a Love of Learning - Our children are generally curious, inquisitive and excited to learn. However, we find ourselves at the end of the day exhausted, focused on routine and taking the shortest route to the pillow! It's often at this time that our children come to us with questions about ants, how cows are made or why the scissors won't cut through the coffee table. Our responses at this time might be directed towards giving the quickest and most convenient answers. But research shows that our children love to find out the answers for themselves, using us as guides and for support rather than an encyclopedia of knowledge. The best way to maintain their love of learning is to respond to their questions with enthusiasm and curiosity - even when you don't feel like it. 

Justin recently wrote a fabulous piece about cyber-safety for children...it's definitely worth a read.

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I think what I find most challenging about school is the influence that will, in one way or another, challenge Daniel and my parenting values. I'm guessing it will start with lunchbox contents and I'm expecting it to progress to television shows, toys, video games etc. I hope Che is curious, I trust that he knows what's right and wrong and I look forward to the discussions that stem from the playground. 

Mums, what did you find most challenging about the first year of school?

In the next few days I'll be posting some beautiful stories from school mums - emotional, heartfelt, you'll-need-a-tissue stories...

the school series : counting down

In less than three weeks Che starts school. He is excitedly breaking in his school shoes every day whilst I am nervously ticking things off the list.

Yesterday he tried on his uniform, his sandy beach hair squashed by his enormous hat. He wore it proudly, stood tall in his new shoes and asked me, once again, how many more days till school. 

It's such an enormous transition for the whole family and I've been doing my best to consciously prepare (myself more than anyone). I've sought the advice and wisdom of some of the mums and dads I admire most and I'll be sharing their thoughts here over the next week or so. I also have a fabulous back-to-school giveaway organised and I'm collecting some yummy ideas for lunchbox treats.

For now, I'll continue to make this summer-before-school-starts Che's best yet. Earlier this week I took him out for sushi, we spent time in the bookstore and then we bought socks and cotton singlets (because a cotton singlet is like a hug, in my opinion). He's been to the theatre with Mama and today he's going on the ferry with Ommi. Every second day we've been at the beach and every afternoon has been quiet - reading, baking, resting. 

Whilst we make a memorable summer I am overwhelmed by the emotional tug of my first-born heading off to school. It's so very strong. Do you have a child starting school this year? 

photos taken by luisa on our daytrip to Brooklyn. 

last day

This morning, as I filled his water bottle and packed his lunch, I remembered so clearly the first day when I cried into his little box of grapes and rice crackers. 

We were quiet on the drive to school today and when it came time to get out of the car and walk up the path I saw his sadness. For the first time in months he held my hand instead of running ahead; like he wanted it to last for as long as possible.

We've come full circle and the end is just as momentous as the beginning. At his graduation last week he cried during the photo slideshow. "I just have so much love in my heart for Montessori," he said. Indeed, Montessori pre-school has been a seamless extension of our home - a nurturing place for him to grow and learn; to the beat of his own drum. 

I'm so proud of him and his big, big heart. I'm so sad that this beautiful journey is over.

...and now I'm crying.

school : a new beginning

This morning we tentatively walked through the school gates in preparation for kindergarten orientation. I was sad, Daniel was nervous/excited and Che was a little overwhelmed. 

We are really blessed to live in the catchment area for a small, sweet school that has a wonderful reputation. We were welcomed into the courtyard with open arms and within minutes Che was introduced to his "buddy," Liam, who turned out to be the loveliest 11-year-old boy I have ever met. I watched him guide Che around the school, gently placing a hand on his shoulder and then crouching to make eye contact as they talked. 

Daniel and I stood back and observed. And then we exhaled. I'm not sure if Liam will ever quite understand the extent of his kindness but as a mum quite reluctant to send my first born off to school, he made the transition so much easier - for all of us. He even pronounced Che's name correctly - oh thank you!

While Che and Liam visited the kindergarten rooms and made fabulous paper hats, Daniel and I went to the library to meet the principal and hear a little bit more about uniforms, school procedures and canteen. It all feels very real now...it all feels really good.

After sampling the pizza and cupcakes from the school canteen (for the very reasonable price of $1.60), Daniel is rather excited about volunteering for "snack shack" duty.