Monday, February 8, 2010

pregnancy loss


I had quite a naive understanding of pregnancy when I first discovered I was going to be a Mum. My own mum had worked in a maternity ward for 10 years so I did know that sometimes babies don't make it. I just didn't realise how common it was. When my doctor confirmed my pregnancy with Ché she did say to me that one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. It still didn't register.

It wasn't until I started teaching pre-natal yoga, creating a safe space for women to celebrate their pregnancies and let go of their fears that I became aware of just how many women experience miscarriage. If one woman talked about it, others would too. What was most surprising is that it was the first time these women had openly discussed their past pregnancies. Sometimes babies aren't ready for this world and sometimes Mums have to say goodbye too soon. I cannot imagine the deep pain of such an experience but whenever I am confronted by it I always say that I am sorry for their loss. It seems to me that it is a secret society that no one wants to be a part of - and family and friends have no idea how to make it better for the woman who has lost. Hence, it is rarely acknowledged or discussed.

Thank goodness author Zoe Taylor set about writing a book about pregnancy loss. Through her own experience of multiple miscarriages she has interviewed countless women who have experienced miscarriage and/or stillbirth. While some parts of the book are confronting and difficult to read, Zoe has creating a resource that delves into the medical and emotional aspects of pregnancy loss including stories of survival and hope. No doubt it will offer comfort to those parents who have experienced loss and will give carers, doctors, midwives, doulas, friends and family a better understanding of how to offer support.

I was lucky enough to interview Zoe (see Q&A below). HarperCollins Publishers are also giving away 5 copies to my readers so if you are interested in owning a copy please leave a comment below.

You must have gained so much insight into this facet of pregnancy since you decided to write this book. Women love to talk - but why don't they talk about miscarriage and stillbirth?

Women do love to talk and I think that given the opportunity many would open up and talk about their experience of miscarriage and stillbirth, but there are several factors that often make them reluctant.
They may be worried about upsetting other people, I have heard many stories from women who have spoken about their loss and then ended up having to comfort other people who find it too difficult to deal with.
There is often too a justified fear of having to deal with insensitive remarks – ‘Oh, well, you can try again,’ ‘At least it happened now rather than later’ ‘Well it wasn’t a real baby was it?’. These kinds of comments – although not said maliciously – are incredibly difficult to deal with. They also add to a sense of guilt and shame around pregnancy loss – a feeling that you must have done something wrong and failed your baby – which again might prevent women from opening up.
But at the same time, many women have a craving to talk about their baby. And why wouldn’t they? Every other woman who has been through a pregnancy does. The difficulty is in finding the courage and opportunity and also in trying to articulate such complex emotions. And I think this is why it is common for women to find other ways to express themselves, such as through writing, scrapbooking or sharing stories online.


While researching, interviewing and writing did you approach the book as a journalist or as a mother who had experienced loss? Or both?

I approached the book as a writer. Obviously, my personal experience helped in many ways. I think the fact that I had some level of understanding meant that people were more relaxed and willing to open up about their own experiences. But this was never going to be a book about what happened to me. I included one chapter on my own experience, mainly as a way to describe how the book came to life.
I have been researching and writing health and human interest stories for many years, so writing the book was a natural extension of that – although much, much bigger than anything I had attempted before!
However, it wasn’t until the project was almost completed, and I went back to re-write the chapter about my own journey that I realised how important the process had been for my own grieving. It allowed me to ask questions and to accept that my emotions were very common and normal, despite my struggles at times to explain them to friends and family. It gave purpose to my pain and it reminded me daily that many people go through much more than I have and they pick themselves up and get on with life. They survive. I think they were all very important and healing lessons.

Was there ever a moment when you thought that it was too hard for you to write it?
Yes, there were moments when I had doubts. I felt a huge sense of responsibility. People had provided me with intimate details of some of the most traumatic and significant moments in their lives and I was desperate to reward their trust. I was also sometimes overwhelmed by the scope of the brief I had set myself – ‘everything about surviving pregnancy loss’. I worried that I would make an important omission, particularly on the medical research side, which is constantly changing and prone to the differences in expert opinion that you come across in all types of medicine.
I was also fitting in writing around raising my family and other work commitments and when people commented ‘I don’t know how you do it’ I would often silently agree with them.

If so, what encouraged you to keep going?

It was without doubt the most difficult thing I have ever done. But while I had moments where I struggled and thought I was not up to it, I never considered giving up. And I was encouraged by amazing support from friends and strangers alike. People I approached about contributing to the book were constantly reinforcing my belief that this was something that was desperately needed. And on a personal level I had people around me who believed I could do it. That was invaluable.


You mention that so many women find a safe space to discuss their loss in forums and blogs. It's also a way for them to document the memory of their baby. How did online media help these women in their journey?

This was quite a revelation for me. I had never seen myself as someone who would be interested in blogs, chat rooms or online forums. But as I went through my own journey and started the process of writing the book, my eyes were really opened to the incredible amount of support and comfort that can be found online.
Like many, I suspect, to begin with I would cruise the forums about grief and loss on parenting websites, only rarely contributing but reading other people’s stories. The appeal of this is difficult to explain. But there is something comforting about knowing you are not alone, because pregnancy loss can be so isolating. Many women find very little opportunity to talk about their feelings in everyday life – particularly as it is common for men not to want to discuss it.
All those feelings of guilt, of worrying that others will misinterpret your comments as being self-pitying or self-indulgent, of not wanting to upset others, of finding the courage to speak up, start to drop away online. You can share your pain without having to expose yourself so much. And I think many women also gain comfort from being able to reach out to others and offer support.


What is the best way someone can offer support to a woman who has experienced miscarriage and/or stillbirth?

I think the most important thing is to acknowledge the baby. Too often people cannot think of the ‘right’ words to say, and so say nothing at all. There are no right words. Nobody will expect you to understand their pain. Even if you have had a similar experience, the most carefully chosen words may not seem enough. But you might be surprised at how much a simple ‘I am so sorry this has happened’ can mean.
Do try to understand that this is a life experience that people do not ‘get over’, it will always be there and grief may come and go and be triggered by things like significant dates or awkward social situations.


What are your hopes for "Pregnancy Loss"?

I hope the book will provide comfort, information and support to survivors of pregnancy loss. But I also hope it might offer some insights to others – friends relatives, health professionals, into the complex emotional fallout of a baby dying during pregnancy, which seems to be often overlooked.
I would also love to contribute to breaking down the taboos and making it more acceptable to talk about babies that die and for more public attention to be focused on research and prevention, in the hope of reducing the number of families that are touched by this tragedy.

For more information please visit Zoe's website - www.pregnancylossbook.com

37 comments:

  1. this book sounds like an invaluable resource for anyone who has experienced a miscarriage or knows someone who has. it wasn't til i started (somewhat timidly) to speak to friends and family about my own pregnancy losses that i realised that everyone you know has been there or knows someone who has. hopefully this book will start those conversations happening more openly. i look forward to reading it. love you blog - brings a bit of sunshine and a smile to my day.

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  2. What a fantastic resource. I miscrried at ten weeks before having my two children, and I was floored with sorrow. I did talk about it, and so many women that I knew shared their own stories with me. It helped me to process and recover from the grief. I have a friend who lost two babies and would never speak of it to anybody. With all respect to her process (everybody deals with trauma in their own way), I have always felt that she shut herself off from a crucial support network- other women.

    Miscarriage is so common, and yet so little spoken of. Why do we colour it with some sort of shame? Thanks for posting this Jodi.

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  3. It's not often that books like this come along. I hope that this book starts some conversations and helps a little towards breaking down this awful taboo. Sometimes our babies die and the one of the worst things is to think that we are alone. I hope that this book provides some support for other baby lost mamas. X

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  4. what an excellent post thank you! you seem a natural journalist jodi, i really enjoyed the questions you asked. fab subject matter, looking forward to reading the book and reflecting on my 2 losses (i think of them as my daughters) xx

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  5. I lost a baby at 11 weeks and have never forgotten someone saying to me "some women don't even know they are pregnant at that stage". I felt very sad (and sometimes still do) - as if the pregnancy didn't really mean anything. Zoe's book sounds like a wonderful resource and help.

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  6. What a difficult, but wonderful, project. I have not yet reached a place in my life where I want to have children, but already so much of what I do, and the decisions that I make, are geared towards taking this journey one day. The idea of losing a baby fills me with a huge hole of dread. Well done to Zoe for going ahead with this book, and thank you Jodi for sharing.

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  7. What a wonderful book. I teach birth classes and this would be a great resource for me and my students.

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  8. Thanks Jodie and Zoe. I think that by talking about it you are opening a door for others to talk about it, and with this book Zoe, you are providing a resource for those who have experienced this, and for those who love them. These are things we need. I too was given 'sympathy' with such sayings as "well there must have been something wrong with it", "at least it happened now and not when they were three like the neighbors child", "you can try again" and "maybe you weren't ready".

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  9. Good on you for starting this conversation Jodi & Zoe. My first pregnancy ended with a missed miscarriage that was picked up at a 10 week scan. It felt like my whole world had ended. A book like this would have really helped.

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  10. I'm happy to see that the book has some mentions of the medical aspects of loss - some of my most painful and bewildering memories of losing our daughter (as a full term newborn) were questions around lactation, when to try again, etc. I'm hoping to get a copy of the book!

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  11. My third pregnancy ended in miscarriage at ten weeks and I found the more open I was, the more others were happy to tell their stories. It was one of those rare occasions where all the stories and all the cliches actually helped. It normalised the situation and made me trust that I was ok. I think this is a really important timley book and I really would love a chance to win it. Thank you so much.

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  12. Thanks for this thoughtful and insightful post Jodie. I'll leave the copies to those who may need them, but it is good to know there are resources out there for such experiences. xo m.

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  13. What a wonderful book. I cannot wait to read it and smile, laugh and cry through it only 6 weeks after my ectopic pregnancy and surgery.

    I often find that I'M more than willing to discuss it with people but don't for fear of making THEM feel uncomfortable, not the other way around.

    I hope that this book can bring some smiles to people who have lost.

    I can't wait to get this book.

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  14. I haven't miscarried but I would love to have this on my shelf to read and loan out to others. It seems to me, listening to women, that whenever one person in a group opens up and mentions a loss, others will share about their own. I have been surprised at how many women around me have had losses...

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  15. I am really curious about your book. I feel encouraged that a book is available addressing these sensitive issues. I would love to read it because I have had family and friends experience pregnancy loss. I also am planning on becoming a doula. Thanks.

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  16. Thank you for the interview. This book sounds very interesting.

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  17. I would definitely love to read this book. It has been 6 months since my miscarriage and I am still raw from it. Hopefully some day miscarriage won't be a taboo word.

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  18. I also would appreciate learning more about this aspect of birth. Thanks for doing a giveaway!

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  19. I'm so so glad she wrote this book. I had two miscarriages last year, and while my community was very supportive, and I was lucky in that, they often didn't know what to do with me. Now, I wish people would ask me about it - I think it would really help to talk about it, but it makes people uncomfortable. I feel so encouraged by this book!

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  20. This looks like a wonderful and very important book. I'm part of a church group called PLAIS (Pregnancy Loss and Infertility Support) and would love to have a copy to share with the gals there.

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  21. i miscarried last year and even though my husband grieved, and would listen and talk with me whenever i needed, i have never in my life felt so completely alone.

    this book would have really helped. i'm so glad it's out there.

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  22. I'm so glad, too, that there's a book out there for this. I think the more people know about pregnancy loss the easier it'll be to talk about it. It would have helped me I think, but there definitely is a fear of unhelpful comments. I got some of 'you're so young, you have time' or even 'it'll be good for you two to have time together before you have kids' (it was fairly soon after we got married). I learned that an 'I'm so sorry for your loss' is simplest and best. And the sadness honestly only really subsided when I got pregnant again a year later. I don't mean to leave a downer comment! I'm just always glad when I hear of things normalizing birth and pregnancy experiences. :)

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  23. found this through Marvelous Kiddo - thank you for this post - my first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks and I know that I could have benefited greatly from a book like this. there is so little out there in the way of published support. and i too was so surprised to find out that so many women close to me had suffered miscarriages as well - even family members! it is such a 'hush-hush' topic, glad to see it in the spotlight. thank you

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  24. I'd love to get a copy of this to give to my SIL who has had two devastating miscarriages (three babies lost). She is about to embark on trying again. Thanks for doing this giveaway.

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  25. yes, thank you for sharing this. we have not started a family yet, but several women close to me have experienced such losses and i am very much eager to understand and love them better.

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  26. I really appreciated this interview and the book sounds fantastic.

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  27. what a wonderful interview - can't wait to read the book.

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  28. wonderful interview - thank you for helping open up the conversation. i definitely look forward to checking this book out!

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  29. I loved reading this interview and would love to read the book! I have unfortunately experienced such a loss. I wish miscarriage was talked about more openly and well, just more!

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  30. PS - if you have a spare copy, then yes, I would love to read it. I relied on the beautiful and haunting blogs I read after Alice died to keep me going. And many of these women have become friends for life. X

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  31. wonderful interview, Jodi, thank you. what a brave and beautiful thing she has done by birthing this book. i hope it brings a bit of comfort to those who have experienced that loss, something that i simply cannot imagine.

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  32. I enjoyed reading this and will tell a friend that's just lost a child.

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  33. I would be interested in a copy of the book. I lost my first child to miscarriage in 2006. It was a heartbreaking experience and I love and miss my baby everyday. We planted a tree and buried our baby underneath. He/she would have been 3 this year.

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  34. Hi Jodi. Thank you for posting this. I experienced a missed miscarriage late into my third trimester with my third child in June last year which then required surgery. When it happened I had just started blogging and had been gearing up for the big reveal only to then be faced with the dilemma of whether or not to share such personal news. Well, I took a leap of faith and I am so glad I did. Through that one post so many people shared with me their own stories or stories of friends and family of pregnancy loss and stillbirth and suddenly I didn't feel so alone. A friend gifted a book to me at the time called "Grief Unseen" which was about expressing pregnancy loss through the arts (which is exactly what I did - I made my first quilt to replicate the green tiles of the birth centre bathroom where I had birthed my first two babies). In the book the author describes pregnancy loss and stillbirth as "the secret club that no one wants to be a member of". I feel that through sharing our stories we may not make this club less horrible but we will certainly go a long way towards giving the little lives that were lost the honour they deserve. x

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  35. I'm so sorry - my comment should have read "first trimester" not third. My apologies.

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  36. i have found out over the last week that i have heightened killer cells which may have been contributed to my repeated miscarriages. it has been great to know that there are a virtual community of women out there who all know the pain and heartache miscarriage brings. thanks for all sharing your war stories.

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  37. Thanks for sharing this book. In my head I knew I wasn't alone, but my heart felt entirely isolated...

    Jaclyn

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