Monday, June 11, 2012

him and i

Around this time last year I was full-bellied and waddling and my almost-four-year-old was holding my hand as we explored. We used to talk, the two of us, about the baby. He always knew it would be a girl.

I remember feeling elated about the imminent birth and yet underlying the excitement and anticipation was a true sadness. In late pregnancy I already missed the time that I would spend with my boy, my first-born, just the two of us. It hurt to think of just how much his life was about to change and just how much I would change, as his muma.

Of course, with change comes growth, and there was very little sadness in those first few months of Poet's life. But since his half-birthday, as he journeys closer and closer to five (!), I have noticed an enormous shift in his little being. 

Because there's one foot in four and one foot teetering at the big school gates. And me oh my it's overwhelming.

My gentle, intriguing chatterbox has discovered determination and assertion. Good traits for school life. Now, more than ever, he needs that time with me, to amble around the garden and pick lemons and climb trees. 

My truth? I need that time with him. To nurture his little self, to chat about why the tree fell down, to plan the baking of jam drops. To be there, with him, and only him. 

School next year - I can't talk about it. Not yet. 

34 comments:

  1. Oh don't! I am feeling it too. Ru is off in September and I ache with the thought of it. Home alone without them.......x

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  2. Oh yes. That feeling is here too. Especially with number 3 due to arrive within the next few weeks, I feel like I'm robbing us of that one on one time too early beforethe school gates beckon next year. I'm Also trying not to think on it - just enjoying the small windows of time that present themselves now.

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  3. I remember that feeling of waiting for the baby but almost not wanting it to come, being scared of disturbing that precious time with just my first born. It makes my heart swell when I hear them talking between themselves now, saying 'I love you' and 'I love you too'. And I remember walking into my house after leaving Max at nursery for the first time, and bursting into tears because the house was so quiet. Now he is excited to see his friends, he can admit that reading can be a pleasure rather than a chore, he wants to stay at school an extra hour for science club. But I'm so glad Rufus is still at home with me; I moan now about how little time I have to do stuff - thanks for reminding me to cherish these moments, they are gone too fast. x

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  4. You should consider homeschooling. My mother felt the same way as you do and she didn't want me to go to school. Now i am 14, I love homeschooling and I figured out what I want to do with my life. My Parents have given me the encouragement I need with different subjects that my teacher would never have given me!!

    Here check out this site, it tells you more about homeschooling.

    www.aussiehomeschool.com

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    1. How strange! I am considering home schooling and it's been on my mind at the moment. I will go and have a look! x

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    2. Sarah, did you know that we have the highest number of home schoolers in Australia where we live?! I have definitely considered home school but I'm someone who LOVED school - I enjoyed every bit of it. Sure I was a complete nerd but I would feel like I was depriving Che of a wonderful experience if I home schooled him. However, I completely understand why people home school - so many benefits x

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  5. It sounds so overwhelming, just stay that little longer, meander through the backyard and discover those last precious few moments before Mr Che goes onto the next stage x

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  6. Such beautiful sentiments put in to words so eloquently. I have a two year old son and when the day comes that we have another child I imagine I will feel much the same way.

    And school? I'm in serious denial it will ever happen. Thankfully Lachlan is right at the end of the age cut off so we will likely keep him back an extra year so I will have him at home with until five and a half.

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  7. I felt the same sadness just before Finn was born and I still feel it from time to time. I bet Che can hardly even remember a time before Poet, and perhaps if he does, it isn't with any sadness. Remember that children are often far more adaptable and robust than us adults/parents!
    I cannot even imagine those feelings you must have about the imminent changes that next year will bring. Your local public school is one of the best on the coast...or will he be staying with Montessori?

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    1. I know - it's such a good school Katrina. And he'll be SO close to home, which is lovely. Montessori only does kindy and I like the idea of him starting school with everyone else. He could stay at Montessori for the year and ideally I would love him to then go into kindergarten but he'll be too old. He's excited...I'm sad. But I can't let my feelings about this huge change affect him too much. I need to be happy for him too, but, it's just another cutting of the cord. And of course, that hurts a bit.

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  8. I can certainly imagine all of those feelings, I do love my extended years purely devoted to one. I look forward to the beautiful traits that a sibling will bring my little Ivy (eventually) too though.
    Oh, and kinder next year- I still can't talk about it, I was ok until I found out that my town does 4 days of kinder, 4 days!!
    (Your package is heading off with today's mail x)

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  9. I remember feeling the same way when my little boy went off to school last year. My daughter starts next year also, and as much as I will miss her and know that she is really at the end of her baby years, I am looking forward to it. We are fortunate to have a tiny local school, just 60 kids!! This is just the start of another beautiful chapter....it is amazing watching them learn to read and write and make new little friends. My daughter will be 5 in August and I can see the changes in her already. It's the start of something special!

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  10. It is easily one of the hardest transitions for us, and maybe them. x

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  11. I shed a little tear when each one heads off to big school but it is such a great chapter for them #2 started big school this year and it wasn't any easier second time round. You'll quickly enjoy the new chapter as well as all the new friendships that come with the kids starting school. Because we are now in Tasmania and they have an extra year of school compared to NSW, my twin boys will be starting Big School (3 day kinder) NEXT year and I can't bear to think about losing 2 at once. Mel xx

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  12. This is off topic but, I love your new header. It's simply perfect : ]

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  13. Imagine my shock when we moved to Perth last year and found out that kids start primary school a year earlier in WA! (They have an extra year between kindergarten and year 1).
    I was so sad to see Sophie go to school but we are now half way through the year and I can not tell you how happy she is.. she loves school so much, has made so many wonderful friends and is learning so much each day. It has been so wonderful for her and I have made so many lovely friends with the other parents.
    I still miss her being at home everyday but you will be surprised how quickly the school day goes..
    Before you know it it's 3pm and picking them up!
    Xx

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  14. I hear you. Those change times are heartwrenching, but the growth is good, most of the time. My smallest of three starts schoool next year. She is already there in Kinder, but somehow Prep just seems, well ... I don't think I'm ready to talk about it either.

    I just discovered your blog via Th Little Bookroom. What a peaceful and gentle and picturesque place it is that you have created.

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  15. My eldest started primary school this year. He RAN from our side at the school gate to his classroom and hasn't looked back, he thinks school is the best place ever. Witnessing River bloom at school is a wonderful feeling, makes me feel those first years of being close together are holding him in good stead. My sister-in-law who is mama to my lovely niece and three nephews (aged 11-18) said to me once that motherhood is one letting go after the other. Certainly feels that way. Happy home days to you and Che x

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  16. These are beautiful photos Jodi.

    I remember those last few weeks before baby #2 came along. I was so sad and confused and excited for myself and for Abi.

    She has handled sisterhood so well but some days I remember when it was just us 2, and have beautiful memories of those times.

    Abi isn't starting Kindy till 2014 and lord help me, I can't even think about it.

    xx

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  17. This is a gorgeous post that made me cry! Thank you...and it took me back to earlier this year...

    Here is our story for when you are ready.

    Hold him tight. xxx Lisa


    http://waltzingmatildamummy.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/on-eve-of-big-school.html

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  18. This
    Ost made me shed a tear, can so relate, my baby boy turning 3 soon & our daughter turns 5 inSept...the constant juggle between everything/everyone is not easy....x

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  19. Years off this so I'm blocking it out of my brain, but just wanted to say I ADORE the new header. Beautiful.

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  20. Timely post......3 weeks until my second is due and I too am trying to enjoy every moment with my little girl.
    Don't think of school......not yet :) x

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  21. Lovely post!

    And Che's hat - Very 'The Life Aquatic'!

    xx

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  22. This was one of your most beautiful posts Jod!
    I like how concious you are about your feelings, I wish I could be like that too. Sometimes time just passes with kids, you do the routine, most of the time in a hurry and hardly have time to enjoy it or just think about it.
    You are very good at that though, you are such an inspiration.

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  23. Oh my goodness Jody, this post shot straight to my heart. I get it, so much. We're at the same point and whilst I know Angus is ready for big school and he needs to spread his wings, it hurts incredibly to think of these past four and a half years as being over. In some ways, I wish I could live it all again, but the reality is we have to keep moving forward... and I need to be patient with my ever-changing little guy, as his big personality takes shape.
    Beautiful words and equally glorious photos xo

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  24. And my sincerest apologies, as soon as I hit publish I realised I'd spelt your name incorrectly, Jodi. Must have been thinking of Lemon Rhodes Jody! xo

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  25. Maybe it won't be bad at all - you'll get the best of each other? I'm sure the fewer the hours spent together - the more precious they become... x

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    1. so true sweet claire. so true x

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  26. What a lovely post - beautifully written from the heart! Your little/big boy is lucky to have such a Mum as you!
    Larni

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  27. I feel sad too my little boy turned 5 last Friday. He remembers befor my daughter who is 2 was born. But he also tells me that when he was in my tummy he used to play with his little sister in there. So sweet!

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  28. I'm with Claire - often the anticipation of change is far worse than the change itself. And you've got each other to help you through. Kellie xx

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  29. We've chatted about this... the problem is with your first, well, its not really a problem...but they are always your first, and every challenge as they grow will always be a challenging first...and these small steps I guess are preparing us for bigger things to come. Doesn't make it any easier though. xx

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  30. You take lovely photos Jodi. I hope you are well xx

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