remedy, ambition and contradiction

We've been cooped up at home with a cold. All three of us are snuffly and coughing and generally miserable. Although it's very autumny and crisp the sun is still bright and welcoming and there have been some lovely warming moments spent on the balcony (all rugged up with a cup of tea in hand). Remedies have come in the form of lemon & honey tea, reading Vogue and the following delicious treats:

• Macro organic crunchy peanut butter (without doubt the best)
• freshly squeezed grapefruit juice
• local mandarins
• rice crackers/corn crackers/ryvitas with avocado, hummus and tomato
• spelt sourdough pumpkin bread (common ground bakery)

The laptop has been open all day long, sitting on the table and I've been writing intermittently. It's a nice way to work actually. Typing in tune with spontaneous bursts of inspiration.

While reading the June issue of Vogue (gorgeous Samantha Harris graces the cover) I stumbled across an article by the fabulous Felicity Loughrey. "Relight My Fire" is about ambition and the loss of it as we age. Within the first paragraph Loughrey states that perhaps her ambition "...fell out with the placenta," (she's a mother of two). It sparked a plethora of thoughts, most in relation to my return to professional writing. It has interested me how many people have expressed their relief that I'm 'using my degree' or embarking on a 'professional journey' again. Because apparently teaching yoga isn't all that recognised in the big wide world of success. Sure it doesn't pay all the bills but it sure does make me a better person/partner/mother/writer.

After three-and-a-half years of living in the beautiful and very protected bubble of pregnancy and motherhood stepping back into the professional game has been daunting and nerve wracking. But it has also sparked my ambition in a way I never anticipated. I'm reading more articles, newspapers and magazines than I have in years. I'm inspired by the people I'm meeting and I've gained confidence in my ability to evoke emotion with words. But does this ambition allow me the time and energy to bake bread, grow a vegie garden and spend countless afternoons at the beach with Che? Theres no way I'll let it stop me being the mother I want to be...I've just got to find a way to make it all work together.

Contradiction is a good way of describing how I feel sometimes. Do you ever have that feeling? For instance, if someone was to ask me how I would describe myself as a mother I would say: "I'm an earth mother with a penchant for designer clothes." I love love love going into the city with some spending money and immersing myself in boutique shops - clothes, bags and T2. And yet there is no way I could live in a city (I've tried before and I found it utterly exhausting). Yoga has encouraged me to simplify and declutter but I'm still a long way off from living simply. I love the opportunity to spend a morning at a local cafe and yet sometimes I think it would be ideal to move far away into the country hillsides and live on a property.

Daniel and I have been watching past episodes of Grand Designs and the most inspiring building we've seen is the Woodman's Cottage in Sussex. It really made us think about how unnecessary all our stuff is and how one day, we would love to live simply and sustain-ably, in-tune with the environment. I just wish I could successfully stifle my deep yearning for new clothes. There-in lies the contradiction.

For now I'll sip my tea and write my dreams and perhaps one day soon, in this very space, you'll read of our leap of faith as we venture into the hillside (sounds romantic, doesn't it?) x