For the first time since becoming a mum I am craving space. A little room to breathe, to move, to spend a few hours with friends, to look at myself in the mirror and not see mashed banana or vegemite sandwich smeared on my pants...or on my shoulder (a place I never see but everyone else does).
And since our dryer broke the other day our lounge room has turned into toy room/music room/chinese laundry. And this morning I had a little helper who pulled the clothes off while they were still wet. But I was patient and as any mum would, I thanked him for helping me hang out the washing. Hence there is no space in the lounge room.
There is space in the shower though and this morning I relished the escapism the water offers. It was in the shower that I realised that the longest I have ever been away from my baby since he was born is four hours. Four short hours. Truth be told I couldn't wait to get back to him. And I'm sure I will feel the same next week when Daniel and I travel to Sydney for the afternoon to see this.
I am so looking forward to the circus. A little bit of magic and a whole lot of body contortion. And some time for Daniel and I to be together...just the two of us for an evening. I'm sure we will talk about our little chicken for most of trip and that's ok. It is the space I am after. A few hours of feeling unencumbered. Of being with my other boy, the handsome man who has been working so hard for us. His business is so busy and it's wonderful to see him so incredibly motivated and inspired.
I need to do more yoga too. Yoga for me. Balance for me. Because I love being busy...I am more productive when I am busy. But at the moment there are stories and classes and study and parenting (parenting first of course) and I want so desperately to do it all. In time it will all get done. The students will get taught and the stories will be told.
This evening, instead of writing about mortgage stress or mopping the floor I am venting here and laughing at these photos. Paper doesn't taste that great.
And when I look at these photos I realise how important images are. Because Che is ten-months-old now and I find it difficult to remember him when he was brand new. Just a little guy. I forget the tiny body, the little lips, the light weight of him in my arms. Thank goodness we took photos. Thank goodness the camera is always close by...so no matter how busy I am I can capture a moment. And find space behind the camera.
i remember how easy it was to commit all of my time to my little one. it was always exactly where i wanted to be. i was happy and less stressed if i was with him. After a couple years of this and some small doses of personal freedom i began to crave it more and more. We go through phases of finding our balance as a family...that said my little one is roaring at me for attention. it's story time. nice to finally catch up here a little.
ReplyDeletei'm hearing you jodi...where does one find that little bit of space? I hope you guys have a great time at the cirque, and yes, you will spend most of the night thinking and talking about che, but that feeling of being unencumbered for just a little while can be so good. And the best part? Coming home to him!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the upcoming date! That should be great. I love them.
ReplyDeleteIt can be overwhelming - not getting any space when they are little. I so remember that feeling. But because the attached ones get so much of us, their needs are fully met and they are eager to be more on their own when they get older. I didn't feel like you were complaining, you just reminded me of that stage.
Looking at the photos of Che in the washing made me giggle - both our girls went through the phase at a similar age, before 18 months - as fast as I could hang the washing out, they'd be taking it off!
ReplyDeleteHave fun on the weekend - it's hard, you get out of the rythmn of self, but the effort pays off for the dynamics of all three of your relationships.
I can totally relate. My little girl is nearly 12 months old and after returning to work last week, I realised that I hadn't been separated, literally, from her for longer than 4 hours either. When I'm at work I wish I was at home and sometimes when I'm at work, I crave the space that work brings! Balance, as you mention, is the key. And I too, have that camera ready at all times!!!
ReplyDeleteHow was your date? It's soooo good to have a little time away, even though it's so hard.. Well I think it's hard. But it's good to recharge the batteries!
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